I have much to be thankful for, a working fridge, running water, four walls with a roof,electricity, my kids, a car that is held together in part by fishing wire and duct tape now that my son and I cut a broken part of the bumper off with my wire cutters. I find myself extremely lost in thought today. A million notions swirling around in my mind.
I have my Boye looming kit. I have stated several times that I cannot finish a task, but when I look around I have completely loomed four items. I would like to add some trim to them, because I am not a plain Jane kind of girl. I think everything should have flare. I have a two page long list of goals I wish I could meet this month. I am forgetting things alot which is discouraging. I have misplaced my looming needle. I have lost the keys at least twice this week despite them having a permanent hanging place. I have misplaced the devices I write with or use for social media a couple of times. I am certain everyone is tired of removing couch cushions and putting them back to help me find something.
I am facing alot of rejection and in turn I struggle with my own depression, and my affections for others are being curved and swerved. I struggle with exactly where to focus my attention. If I focus on me, I feel selfish, if I play video games I feel wasteful. If I create, what exactly will I do with my creations? Here I am lost in thought.
I look at my husband’s clothes piled in the floor from the night he swore he was leaving and that my son had ruined our marriage. The half empty closet. He is still here, but struggling and lost in something of his own that I cannot help him with. He feels our marriage is in much trouble, has tried to make plans to move to Tennessee. Our most recent fight that sent him on the run was over me dressing up to go to dinner with him. He poured out his pain on Facebook. I poured out my love and support. This almost landed him a Baker Act from strangers that saw his ramblings and somehow the blame in his eyes, falls on me.
I personally am still working toward self acceptance. I rest when I can, I hate the timers, but I set them for 10 minutes of intentional housework at a time. My son and I have been watching shows and I have picked movies no one else would like to watch with the exception of myself on Netflix. I have put a pause on my reading list, and this is the first post, I have published since going self hosted.
In my own depression, I missed my graduation from physical therapy. I spent a day on the couch, maybe two grieving my expected marriage loss. Abuse or not, I still have love for my “unloveable.” I binged shows that likely are not good to binge for someone who is Christ minded, such as, “Good Girls,” and “Insatiable.”
Certain circumstances with my marriage make moving forward in life, or even healing difficult. My husband and I had dinner together last night when he recanted his leaving statement yet again, wanting a solution to all of our problems which is non existent. Such a request is too much to ask from any person. Having him ask to have the car keys and drive knowing he has no insurance coverage, and that he has a pending court case for leaving the scene, makes things even harder when he gets mad that I say no.
I have started painting the kids bathroom, and we made some meaningful purchases, like LED lights, Super Nintendo retro games, controllers, paint brushes, glue dots. I have pushed through, and prepared food even though I lack the desire too, and I have continued though I am healing, to delegate tasks, because all the responsibility of a family and home should not be on any one person. Scenarios where one person is expected to keep life moving forward can cause stress in a person that can manifest itself in physical and mental illness. I urge you to take the time to care for you, and to teach life skills to those around you as well and encourage their own self care. Work together.
In upcoming weeks I hope to share how we are learning to work together. In the mean time I covet your prayers, and am more than willing to pray with you!
I will be here blooming where I am planted, I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that this story is not over yet.
Hiding In Plain Sight,
Masquerade Jade :/