may be what my watch would reflect if looked at it’s face.
I have stepped back from physical therapy for this week. A spike in the number of Covid 19 cases, has caused my behavioral therapy services to return to out of office services only. (Going in office was so much better I could speak freely) My speech therapy approval expired before I ever had close to a chance of getting seven sessions in.
The home for which I am not longer thankful for, has been the most stable unstable environment I have ever been able to provide for my children. When I moved into this place 5 years ago, it was an answered prayer, and it boasted all the features I ever wanted. There is a dishwasher, a working fire place, central heat/air, and though it does not have a garage, it has a carport, which = satisfaction. It was the first place my now ex husband and I could find after an eviction and living with my best friend and her family for six months. There was no application fee, the landlord was aware of our eviction but satisfied that we had paid off the debt almost as soon as it was incurred. He simply let us move in that night.
As of today my landlord has successfully made me feel like the most minuscule person ever, because I asked him to make a really necessary repair, and if you didn’t know, some other company built a ramp onto our house a couple weeks ago, and a social worker helped me obtain a working fridge. He scoffed at me because I did not pay out of pocket to have these things accomplished. These were repairs he needed to make but now have been made and he did not have to pay for them. Somehow though, the effort put in by myself or others is not satisfactory to him. If I fight him for repair he states immediate eviction will be filed. He only let’s us live here because he feels sorry for me. (Words from his mouth)
My car insurance, because my husband was driving the car, will likely only offer state minimum coverage despite my payment for comprehensive and collision coverage. I find this to be a bit devastating, because I do not have funds for even salvage parts right now. The best I may be able to hope for is zip ties and duct tape to get my dream car back on the road.
I do not know if it is I or a we in this household, just that no one has moved out.
I put out feelers for a new place, but my landlord is correct, I have not left in the last couple of years because there is nothing out there as cheap as what I pay. At least nothing that is in a part of town, I am willing to live in.
I planted some seeds in a container, they got kicked off the porch, and my pretty little green onions were uprooted. I was so proud of myself for planting something. Now I do not know what if anything can be saved or will grow.
I thought, when I started writing here at Real and Raw ; A Hiding Place. (I see now I need to fix the punctuation to the intended semi colon, in my title) I thought this was going to be a place of encouragement, of learning to thrive, and maybe even a rags to riches story. I thought I would be sharing amazing survival/upcycling/health/money saving tips. It has turned out to be more like stories of despair, and flailing along in life’s mishaps, intentional/self created/or otherwise.
It is in my heart to write, to build a successful business, maybe have an ETSY shop, or flip things online for a profit. My heart’s biggest desire is to work from home, with a schedule that allows me to be available for my family. I found myself applying for SSI today and it will take them two months to decide my case. Not what I planned or pictured in any way shape or form.
I did not complete any of my goals for June I do not believe. Ok I just checked and I did plant green onions, and I loomed two objects. The bathroom is mostly painted, but thanks to the sweltering heat, I never finished it. When sweat runs off me like shower water, I stop the work. I also did go see my primary care doctor, and got a corrected mammogram order, but getting there to get the test done presents it’s own problems. (so maybe I accomplished a few things, but nothing near my target.)
Despite my downward spiral, I am amazed that my eyes open each day, and I am still alive. We have finally moved our mattress at night to in front of the window a.c. unit, which does equate a slightly better quality of sleep then just sleeping directly on the floor. My list for July is a full page long, and the tasks to make my landlord’s words untrue, are daunting and would turn my to do list into a whole second page. Tick tock goes the clock, and times says there is no more to waste, and none to take for myself.
Spiraling out of control and in Plain Sight,
Masquerade Jade :/
Here is my parting thought/found encouragement