I have stopped Financial Friday posts. I am not making or receiving anything (child support included). Perhaps I can do some sort of Frugal post on Fridays instead to share creative attempts at cutting costs.
My family and I are not in much of a celebratory mood. Yesterday I was pretty ill, but we used medical transportation (paid for by medicaid) and went to what turned into a three hour long family therapy session. (my therapist brought me a sprite, so sweet) He stated at the end of our session it is likely the tension and stress that we constantly live under making me feel so under the weather. In the session (you know me I overshare) my kids addressed many personal issues, the reason my daughter always runs to a friend house is because it is an escape. My husband had two or three very long winded monologues, and my son said the way he feels has not changed.
A few nights ago my son told my husband he no longer wanted him here for a time, until we could heal, because he has been here two years and the climate in our home remains unhealthy, and he does not like the way we are treated. My husband wanted an apology for that statement. The therapist said my son doesn’t have to apologize he is allowed to express his feelings just like my husband and I express our feelings. I can see my daughter does not express her feelings out of fear. I am not a participant in corporal punishment. My father used to BEAT us (not spank) so I refrain usually from doing any punishment in anger, but words can hurt just as much as a hand, a belt, a foot, or fist. In my personal experience I have found that words linger longer than bruises.
I have difficulty focusing on and finishing one task. Now that the problem has been identified, I have stated it to my family and asked for help, but there is no progress yet. Circumstances of a crashed car, home repairs, and trying to obtain income keep us distracted. The feeling of being overwhelmed is insurmountable. I attended my first Life skills class with behavioral therapy via Zoom thanks to a new spike in Covid 19 cases. Will the at home work from the group help me begin to approach the overwhelmed feelings?
I have given myself permission to simply sleep when I need to. Today we are not particularly celebrating the 4th. My teenager is stepping up to help me try to figure out how to either get the bumper back on my car, or take it completely off so I can at least drive it to the store, or the pharmacy. Later we also hope to take off the bathroom door and use it to replace my master bedroom door that has been falling off the hinges for the better part of a year. Nails and glue simply do not put it back together.
I suggested we make today family day. We can play our homemade hockey table, angry birds Star Wars, (it’s a Jenga game) card games such as War or Poker. A trip to the store unless my husband bikes is out of the question, we don’t have family or friend gatherings to attend. We plan to grill Keilbasa, make some deviled eggs, baked beans, and maybe rice. I imagine the night will be filled with sounds of at home fire work displays put on by neighbors. Our family day will cost $0.00.
I have scoured the MTURK and APPEN platforms for any task may qualify to work. I made myself grilled cheese, and fed the cats left over chicken. The ferret got a peanut butter cracker. Did you know you cannot use Walmart giftcards online? I learned this the hard way while attempting to have catfood, and birthday gifts for my husband and son sent straight to our house.
I want to write something inspiring, but other then a great grilled cheese recipe, I don’t have much.
My emotions have me sad and scared because I currently have no income and rather my husband stays or goes, his is not enough especially with traffic tickets and his own expenses, to pay the bills. My ex husband has excuse after excuse as to why I have not gotten a child support payment. If he made the payment and it got kicked out and he resubmitted it, the payment should have reached my account by now. My anger here comes from him knowing my current medical situation, my current limitations, and he is drawing unemployment, yet he sends through nothing despite a court order.
This week I relinquished my efforts in trying to keep a relationship between him and the kids. It is up to each individual to communicate. I cannot make sure the kids honor their dad or vice versa. It is too hard to ask if they have talked, to ask my ex husband to help me encourage our daughter with school projects or not to call me names. To remind everyone of birthdays. I let it go I told them, their relationship with there dad is theirs, I will not discuss my frustrations about their father with them. It is the best I know to do.
Have you modified any behaviors this week or let something go, that simply is not your to manage? How has it impacted your well being?
Hiding in Plain Sight,
Masquerade Jade :/