I woke up to attempt to manage me or is it my day. Does it matter? There are so many things going on in this world that are much bigger than me, and they are so loud that they are in my city, they are on my tv, they are in my news feeds.
(I am posting a trigger warning here and now. I struggle with my own mental health, but will not be silenced about it, so if you have triggers, don’t read any further.)
(Don’t say I didn’t warn you)
I am still reeling and processing all the mind blowing things from last night’s intense, seemingly long therapy session that ended up being joint with my husband.
I am sitting here realizing, today it June 1, 2020. I realize I am very fortunate to be alive right now. My kids could be planning my funeral for various reasons, but they are not. We could be arranging hospice care, but we are not. I don’t know why God allows me to still be alive. For the first time today, I truly understand living in a moment, and that the present is truly a gift. Today I will not plan the future because I am going to live in each moment today. I will be present in the present.
I want to share something. I do not see the color of skin, and I know that sounds unfathomable, but my heart does not. The eyes of my heart see no difference rather our skin pigment is unique to each other or not. I do not know if someone instilled these values in me, (maybe my mom?) I would ask her but she passed when I was seven. Did God just create me not to see skin pigment? Idk.
In the town I grew up in, my skin pigment was the minority, and likely would still be today. My biological father was and is a racist, so was my step mother. My formative years were spent living with this family, and I still grew up different, hating specifically no one.(well except maybe my so called parents and (our skin pigment is the similar)
In my life experience, the toleration of someone based on their skin pigment or lack there of is taught.
Do you want to hear something revelational? I sat in a joint therapy session with my husband last night, with a therapist that my son has been seeing for over a year, and I have been professionally seeing him since September 2019. He is male, and from his mouth, an African American Male. When we met, I clearly knew he was male, I never noticed that he was African American, specifically. I never judged him, or thought him incompetent because of his skin/hair/gender. It never really processed in my brain that skin pigmentation somehow made him different, or circumstances in his life, or opportunities potentially more difficult. In actuality, I observed him to be more refined and educated than myself based on his probable education.
He used current events in discussion as part of his therapy method last night. He presented some of the following statements. Why in our city are people rioting? We have no correlation to the original man that was harmed. People are coming from states, counties, other than the one we live in to damage the property here.
We pray today, (I didn’t know how strong of a Christian my counselor is until he shared and told us at the very base of who we are we should be praying for our marriage) Here is our prayer for today. Lord Cover Us, Cover us all, protect our comings and goings. All people. Protect us from harm, Protect our children, our marriages, our families, our properties. Protect our neighbors and the neighborhoods. Protect us from everything and everyone intended to do us harm, and to prosper against us. In the name of Jesus we ask, amen.
The church I had begun attending right before lockdown, shared this in service, I had no idea the young man was involved in our program or church at all. I can’t deny this voice. It is a gift just as today is, thus I am sharing it.
There is alot I do not know, and I do not understand. We all have a different skin tone, but not all people who have a white skin pigment are plain white. Alot of people who have a skin pigment like mine, speak languages I do not. People who have skin pigment in variations from mine speak my same language, often times better than I do. I just don’t see all the things some other people see. I didn’t know my skin pigment was associated with privilege and assumed I never suffer. I met a woman a few years back, and she was asking if a group of us had ever seen certain movies and one may have been called Precious? I am unsure now. I said I have never seen it in entirety because it hits too close to home. Her eyes widened, and there was shock on her face. I asked her what the look meant? She asked me how it hits too close to home. I said I was raised in a home where there was abuse, and incest, and a number of other things. She was wowed. She had no idea that someone who looked different than her but like me could ever possibly experience such things.
I propose, we stop assuming, stop hating, and live out ALOT of love and learning in healthy positive ways. I have a platform that God has given, me and it will be used in many ways.
Hugs to everyone, I will stand with you when no one else will, I know what it is like to be left standing alone, maybe not for the same reason, but I know a base feeling at least.
Hiding in Plain Sight,
willing to stand with you,
(when properly educated I will even fight with you in some capacity)
Masquerade Jade 🙁