This is what I want to talk about on Mondays. Truth be told, because I am trying to keep it as real as possible with you guys, I am not managing me very well. I have had to revert back to using apps on my phone to remember to take medications, check them each one by one to remember if I even took them. (Medicine cannot work if I or (you) do not take it.) We are about to begin distance learning (for the kids) tomorrow. I still have all the instructional emails to read so that I can ensure my daughter gets school work done. My 14 year old son is a little older and responsible, so I have forwarded every email for him to his own email so that he has the instructions from each teacher, and he can do some of it without my help! I feel that this is as good as any for him to learn a some life skills, and read instructions and work through issues with technology, and learn to ask for help if he cannot figure out something, or problem solve on his own. ( I am open to any of those options.)
Today is a bad mental health day for me. Despite being on new anxiety medications for a month, the current news feeds, and physical issues caused by bradycardia are adding to my stress. My anxiety is roaring in my ears, feeding me lots of catastrophic thoughts. As far as I know nothing is immediately actually wrong. I am extremely irritable today. I do not feel motivated today. I found out I am making less than pennies through Fetch rewards, but I still scan my receipts anyway, but earning what I usually do without any of their “bonus” points, I get about 25 points per receipt. It will take 40 receipts to make a 1000 points = $1. I do not shop often enough to scan 40 receipts to get 1000 points. I still scan anyway because I have to buy those things no matter what. Some points is better than none and it gives my mind the illusion of money saved and frugality approved at no additional cost to me using tools I already have.)
When I can, and I remember, I use something I have to smear on my face, like a cream or lotion sample. I cook the food so no one can fight, and trigger me, especially today when I am already on the edge. I spent time with my daughter, spacing out to watch Angry Birds 2, on Netflix, and we microwaved popcorn to mind trick ourselves into a feeling of satisfaction that we get when we go out. My husband has slept most of the day away, I am ok with this, my daughter got one on one intentional time, there was no competition for my time, which today, stresses me less. I am still working on the minuscule financial savings I can, though I lack motivation, I can’t let a bad day set me back, I now have alot of goals. I feel God pressing it on my heart to write a certain way, at certain times, and I want to see what happens when I am obedient. What happens or might I be missing if I am ignoring His guidance. I am writing though I am tired. Breaking bad cycles of my behavior. I have to also give myself grace when I am not not able to meet the goals, I set for myself. What matters is that I am making changes, no matter how small. The point is I am changing. Eventually even small changes will pay off in a BIG way!
I took a minute today and applied some of the things I am learning, to manage my anxiety, this work book,*and remembered that my health coach talks about taking laugh breaks. I have already taken my vitamins to increase levels of potassium and caffeine to try and keep up a good heart rate. I am hydrating. If that is all I can do today, I have to be ok with that. I am actually sleepy tired, but too anxious to nap. Thoughts are jumping around as this writing may show. I am about to make cheese streaks to ensure the beef we bought does not go bad, as it will not fit in our freezer. (it is a blessing to have food at all. total awareness. ) I coped with making dinner by listening to my sassy pants/angry,I have to do it, playlist. Nothing like that first strum of chords in Michael Jackson’s,”Dirty Diana,” to let me tune in but tune out to get things done. (Surprise, I like Michael Jackson’s music, I still listen to it though I don’t agree with his life choices, I love the music he made in the 80’s and 90’s. The strum of the guitar notes sings to my soul when I have an angry or sassy pants attitude, and I still love Jesus and am developing a relationship with him, I am human he loves me just as I am.)
Will our low income internet bill go from 10.00 to 20.00 even 30.00?
This is honestly how I am managing myself, not so effective, but not as ineffectively as before. Before the day ends, I will read Chapter 2 of the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. I got it for free for attending a local church’s financial conference back in February when we still had no car, and my nephew’s wife picked us up, and the church fed us breakfast and movie theater type snacks. We signed up for the tithing challenge. We do not give 10 percent yet, but we do give 1 percent. It was a place to start. I hope soon to increase this amount to 2 percent. Not until I am comfortable.
Get back to writing at 9:06 PM. Blaring Demi Levato’s, “Warrior,” on my taped up I phone SE with earbuds we already own, that we do not know how we ended up with. I can’t stand to hear another second of my daughter watching the same Ernest Movie for the last week at night on the computer that doubles as her tv. She was up till 4 a.m. waiting for the computer to update instead of sleeping last night, so I sent her to bed hoping she will feel rested, and I can do a personal hard reset, and be more understanding tomorrow, should God grant me another day. My husband thankfully has turned in for the night, and though I have in the past longed for his touch, I could not wait for him to stop touching me today. I just need space. I need to breathe. I am trying to cover up my anxiety. Tried to use our CBD oil, but the applicator is not working properly. No additional help for my anxiety today. I like to listen to music when I feel like I cannot cope.
I have listened to music to drown out the conundrum of the changes, I have to make today. To not have sounds that grate on my nerves penetrate my ears. I survived making dinner and have spaced out and been able to somewhat ignore my bradycardia issues and heart palpitations. My husband noticed the anxiety, but I played it off said I was fine. I am not ok, but him telling me to control it, or asking why would only create more anxiety. Today is not a day I want to talk about it. (yet here I am writing about it. I am not managing me well.)
I need to sleep but I am too anxious to. My eyes tried to close earlier, I felt my hands stop sweating for a split second, was afraid to fall asleep and have my husband or family say that I am always sleeping on the couch. I have been working hard since my night in jail, to stop that behavior. I was rewarded by the CW airing 4 episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway. My husband and I shared many laughs when we sat our devices down and intentionally watched the show. We also bonded over a couple rounds on Fun Run 3 together. I stole a few minutes to myself today as well to play alone. I am breathing deep now. Trying to steady myself.
I did my volunteer line this morning for two hours, the line rang non stop it seemed today. I had to pray for strength. I had to ask God to see me through. Today the caregiver needs care. Does yours? Rather that is you, your mom, some other person in your life. What is needed in this area? Help someone. Ask someone for help. You do not have to do everything. Even if your anxiety says you have to. If you were making great leaps and bounds, and today you failed or couldn’t get everything done give yourself grace. Give someone else grace.
I have tried all the things I know. I cannot finish writing I love writing. Please hang in there with me.. Do not give up on me. I cannot manage me today.
Hiding (with my Panic Disorder) In Plain Sight,
Masquerade Jade 🙁
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