It is that nagging day of the week again! (Trigger warning, pay attention. If abuse of any kind triggers you stop reading!! NOW!)
Sadly, I am not managing myself as well as I would like to let you think. I haven’t slept in over 24 hours at all. My thoughts are racing, I took my sleep medication. I cannot shut my mind down. I tried sleeping on the couch, in my bed, it doesn’t matter. I do not feel well, I have an un-diagnosed stomach issue that is in flare, along with a mild cough, and a sore throat.
My husband is thoughtful and kind one minute, and the next he isn’t. This is just real life right now. I have accepted my new normal is that I can’t expect help from anyone. My spouse, my kids or anything. Life changes are going to have to happen at my pace. I am imperfectly participating in homeschool, I have yelled screamed, and so has my daughter she has even thrown things. When the teacher sent out a blanket reminder to parents, I felt attacked like it was a nasty gram of sorts for having incomplete assignments. She was just doing her job. Let me tell you that I am being the most real that I can be with you guys in these moments. There are times, when someone needs to know that what they think is chaos or that they are alone in a specific situation,they are not. My daughter this week has done school with literal kicks, and screams. I was extremely but politely honest with the teacher. I explained that my daughter is not in a school mindset when we are learning at home. She will do things and behave in a manor that she does not behave in at school. This is normal. I give up now expecting perfection. I run behind. We sat down and tried to drill in all the incomplete work in a day. My husband was unhappy. I was unhappy. We said things that in our heart of hearts we didn’t mean. I was able because of God’s grace to go back acknowledge that yelling or taking out my frustration or anxiety on him was wrong. I need help though, I know they are my kids and not his,(not that he said that) but as a step father, he could step up to the plate a little more. He wants this awe and reverence from my children, because he is here every day.(when there biological father is not) You can be with someone in the same room and not be with them. (are you feeling me yet?) If you aren’t living out love, care and respect to someone, it can be difficult (because we are human) for them to extend those things in even a general direction to you.
I asked my husband to cook dinner, he said no, then he felt insecure in our relationship, and wanted me to fix his feelings for extending rejection to me. Hard pass. I was not rude, but I was honest expressing that I was disappointed he didn’t help, and he was not there for me in a moment when I needed him most. I told him that I deserve grace for acting out and misbehaving as well. I have tolerated much as has he, and we have grown, but I cannot be the life boat and save everyone. I also cannot always protect feelings, or run backwards because someone is uncomfortable with my growth. You can mock me, and try to trip my trigger, but in some ways I am getting stronger.
I do realize in all this mess of shelter in place orders, there are stages kind of like grief. I have accepted that this is the new normal. We will not be returning to school for the rest of this school year. I told my daughter that it is okay to feel her feelings. I laid out a couple of ways that she could express herself, writing something down, verbally saying it, and in some moments I let her have her tantrum. She refused me many times. I just simply worked through my own anxiety, did some of my own work/or made pennies online slowly, while she did or did not do some of the things I told her were acceptable/tolerable (for me) ways she could express herself. I repeatedly stated that it was okay to feel what she felt, she should feel it, but then she still had to work through it. That is a hard, hard reality pill to swallow even as an adult. I need to learn, she needs to learn, my husband needs to learn, we all do. It is ok. The thoughts/feelings are not exactly the problem, it is what you do with them. Don’t cover it up, confront it. Do the necessary work let’s get real, and raw in our emotions, have a glass of wine if you need to or a smoke, then confront it!!! Numbing a pain with a drug or other source good or bad, prescribed or not, does not actually make an emotional issue go away. It will still be there when the impacts of your coping method wear off!
If you need therapy, get therapy. Need medication, take the damn medication. If you need an app to remind you, don’t be ashamed, download the app. Use it. You can have all the tools, bible knowledge, education, in the world, if you do not apply it, or live it out, it is absolutely WORTHLESS!
I am working through my own deep depths of a chaotic, masterful abyss. I have naysayers in my life. Some of them live with me. I am working on me anyway. I am writing though I am told nothing I do is making real money. I have a teenage son who is constantly, and has been for a couple of years been pressuring me to move out of this house. He wants something nicer, and in his mind set anything is nicer than this place. He texted me rental links during a damn pandemic. Hello I have no job, I have a record but only by Divine intervention, the charges were dismissed, how the hell am I supposed to move?
I have accepted we will all have some battle scars from living during the Covid 19 era. I don’t know if it will ever be over. I don’t know these times are the ” end times.” Someone suggested to me that Bill Gates is the anti-christ. I don’t know. What I do know is that while I am here, my kids need to eat. They need to be taught some more life skills, like that washing a dish is okay. It is stupid that I am the only one that washes them. I have a freaking emotional scar because my biological father was a Jackass while I was growing up and I literally washed dishes every night for two years. He was so miserable with his life that he would come downstairs and throw at least half the dishes back in the sink one by one and say they were still dirty and it was my chore until I produced perfectly spotless dishes. He did this for two years. I watched him pick up our family dog and body slam him. And when that didn’t suffice, mine did. He beat me from the time I was 7 until I went to him and told him I was being raped by his wife’s son. He never beat me again. He punished me in other ways, but he never again hit me. He threatened, but he didn’t.
That is why I hate washing dishes, my current therapist is not equipped to handle the mess that I am. Neither is any pastor’s wife I have ever met. Discussing things like this triggers other people. I am ending this damn stigma. I will be damned if I will raise a son that acts like my father, or a daughter that is forced to care for everything. I hate washing dishes, I am sitting in my house trying to figure out how to use solar lights inside, so that I can exchange electricity like it is currency. I turn this off and unplug that so the bill won’t be 300 this summer. I keep the thermostat at 78 in the summer 65 in the winter. I can’t pay 300 this summer. I also cannot wash another dish right now. I paid for dish washer detergent. The really really good stuff. To save my literal sanity. Someone took a dish out of the dishwasher and was upset it wasn’t clean. I in a very polite non angry way stated that at this point if they need it they can wash it. I am feeling ill, and I need time to heal. No one in this house is an infant or toddler. No one person in any family should have to take care of everything. For the love of all that is good, help each other. I know I may never gain readers or may lose some because I am finally being real, and raw. These are some of my most real most raw experiences. I am managing me very well, but not well at the same time.
Germs and all, I will find a way to make bread tomorrow even if it is in my crockpot. I have scoured dry ingredients as I am able, because when we go to the grocery store, or place an online order most items are gone. My kids still need to eat. My ex husband got laid off, I do not know if I will get child support. If I cannot make enough money online, I may have to go back to food delivery to cover the lost income. I do not know what God has planned, but I have had conversation with him. He knows my heart, knows where I stand, and I take him at his word that he accepts me as is, and nothing is too big or to small for Him to change, and He will make a way where there is none.
There are no pictures for this post. Sometimes we don’t need a picture that ties it up and makes it all pretty in a package. Somedays are days when we need to read, sit back, and learn.
In very Plain Sight,
Masquerade Jade :/