My Depression speaks…..

On Saturday it told me I was too stupid to do the things I am trying to do to change my life. That I will never be successful, so I should just throw in the towel.

My brain said it was at capacity, it didn’t want to learn anything new. It has had enough of the changes I am trying to make. Keeping spaces tidier, giving God a consistent peace of my time. Being a wife and mother. Attempting to be be intentional and create perfect Instagram-able moments of family bonding time to have it last only for just 15 minutes if I was lucky. Everything is feeling like a chore. When we ride bikes around the neighborhood for intentional time at the lake, I have to look down at the ground instead of around because I don’t want to compare my lot to others. I don’t want to be filled with envy. The houses by the lake are so big and so fancy and ones that my son might be proud if we could afford to live in.

My anxiety screamed for the Xanax that my psychiatrist recently prescribed, but insurance wouldn’t approve because I need prior authorization. My current dose of Clonazepam 3 times a day was no longer effective in anxiety management. My skin stings almost every day and there does not have to be a trigger for me to feel anxiety.

My shoulder muscles ached for a muscle relaxer because I had overfilled bags when my insurance provided transportation to the local CVS for a prescription, the return ride was a two hour wait, I slipped back to Winn Dixie for the groceries we needed, so we would not have to walk or bike anywhere this week. I bought too much, and the bags were heavy to carry back and constantly fell off my shoulders.

This day frugality felt like depravity. I was cold despite layering two sets of long sleeves and leggings. I can not afford to turn up the thermostat for fear of not being able to pay the bill when it comes in. I climbed under the blankets in an attempt to to nap and shut down my brain. Sleep and the type of cuddling I could only daydream about with my husband, though great, did not re-energize me or make the depression disappear.

I decided to eat my feelings by having two bowls of Magic Treasures knowing full well what it would do to my blood sugar. I swallowed my 1000 mg of Metformin with the last bit of milk in my bowl. To confirm the damage to my blood sugar, I set my timer for two ours after to check it and it was at 277. It wasn’t a shock I just wanted to write it down and hopefully use this information to protect myself should I consider such behaviors in the future. I have not forgotten I am setting out to break cycles of bad behavior.

I struggled to swallow the water that the doctors told me I need to drink so badly because I am repeatedly dehydrated according to their tests over the last couple of months. I hate water right now.

God’s timing is perfect and this gem was in my inbox this morning.

(I am including here and here affiliate links for two resources that I am using to learn new ways of thinking and loving right now. A wonderful friend gifted me the Prayer Journal. If you purchase using these links I am compensated at no cost to you. If you do that, thank you, you are helping change the life of my family of 4. Thank you for your support.)

I will also be finding myself a new therapist, as my current one is just not a good fit for me. I need help to identify my triggers, and methods to use for coping and to move forward in changing my behavior. My current therapist listens, but I have seen him almost falling asleep during our sessions because he is overworked. One step at a time. One day at a time. There is hope on the horizon.

see photographic proof 🙂

Hiding in Plain Sight,

Masquerade Jade 🙂

3 thoughts on “My Depression speaks…..

  1. I love you and will always be there for you. Im glad you are able to express your thoughts so that others may learn of the struggles of anxiety, depression, marriage, parenting, budgeting. Its so good to be near nature to see the beauty of God’s creation ..the smell of the air, sounds of the creek. God cares for you and has an everlasting love for you my friend ❤
    On Sun, Feb 23, 2020, 3:55 PM REAL and RAW : a HIDING PLACE by Masquerade Jade wrote:
    > masqueradejade2020 posted: ” On Saturday it told me I was too stupid to do > the things I am trying to do to change my life. That I will never be > successful, so I should just throw in the towel. My brain said it was at > capacity, it didn’t want to learn anything new. It has had ” >

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