On Saturday it told me I was too stupid to do the things I am trying to do to change my life. That I will never be successful, so I should just throw in the towel.
My anxiety screamed for the Xanax that my psychiatrist recently prescribed, but insurance wouldn’t approve because I need prior authorization. My current dose of Clonazepam 3 times a day was no longer effective in anxiety management. My skin stings almost every day and there does not have to be a trigger for me to feel anxiety.
My shoulder muscles ached for a muscle relaxer because I had overfilled bags when my insurance provided transportation to the local CVS for a prescription, the return ride was a two hour wait, I slipped back to Winn Dixie for the groceries we needed, so we would not have to walk or bike anywhere this week. I bought too much, and the bags were heavy to carry back and constantly fell off my shoulders.
This day frugality felt like depravity. I was cold despite layering two sets of long sleeves and leggings. I can not afford to turn up the thermostat for fear of not being able to pay the bill when it comes in. I climbed under the blankets in an attempt to to nap and shut down my brain. Sleep and the type of cuddling I could only daydream about with my husband, though great, did not re-energize me or make the depression disappear.
I decided to eat my feelings by having two bowls of Magic Treasures knowing full well what it would do to my blood sugar. I swallowed my 1000 mg of Metformin with the last bit of milk in my bowl. To confirm the damage to my blood sugar, I set my timer for two ours after to check it and it was at 277. It wasn’t a shock I just wanted to write it down and hopefully use this information to protect myself should I consider such behaviors in the future. I have not forgotten I am setting out to break cycles of bad behavior.
I struggled to swallow the water that the doctors told me I need to drink so badly because I am repeatedly dehydrated according to their tests over the last couple of months. I hate water right now.
God’s timing is perfect and this gem was in my inbox this morning.
(I am including here and here affiliate links for two resources that I am using to learn new ways of thinking and loving right now. A wonderful friend gifted me the Prayer Journal. If you purchase using these links I am compensated at no cost to you. If you do that, thank you, you are helping change the life of my family of 4. Thank you for your support.)
I will also be finding myself a new therapist, as my current one is just not a good fit for me. I need help to identify my triggers, and methods to use for coping and to move forward in changing my behavior. My current therapist listens, but I have seen him almost falling asleep during our sessions because he is overworked. One step at a time. One day at a time. There is hope on the horizon.
Hiding in Plain Sight,
Masquerade Jade 🙂