(Trigger Warning I discuss sensitive topics that may be triggering for some)
even if it to your spouse or someone you love deeply can be a healthy form of self management. Some days it may be the only positive thing I do for myself. Lately I have let my healthier eating habits slide because I have been eating my emotions. I am pretty sure I have an eating disorder of the obesity kind at this point in my life. That is the next thing on my emotional to do list to address.
My recent experience with saying no was just yesterday. Before my hospital stay in May, I had dabbled for a few months with my spouse in the use of marijuana. I had previously only had a bad experience with it in life and refused to ever use it. When I was a child my step brother and his friends were heavy users. I used to see them at the kitchen table smoking bong after bong, blood shot eyes, using a girlfriend’s urine to pass a drug test to obtain employment. For him and his friends it appeared to be a gateway drug as they grew to experiment with heroin, and prescription pills. When I was 17 I ran away from home for the final time and broke free of this environment. My step mother I know eventually went broke, supporting my step brother’s drug and alcohol life style. My step brother raped and molested me over the years during his drug use. For 10 years this was a daily occurrence in my life. I wanted no part of drug use as it is a mental health trigger for me.
I tried marijuana with my husband in the weeks following my night in jail, in a desperate and foolish attempt to save my marriage. (If you need drugs or alcohol to be able to survive or enjoy the life you live with someone, it is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship.) A second reason for trying it was honestly to escape the life around me and my chronic physical pain. I couldn’t cope. My husband was rejecting me and at the time, and he swore the use of marijuana would help his mental health. I was willing to do almost anything to maintain what I can now identify as our unhealthy toxic relationship. My first choice was with an edible, and I was stupid and drove while under the influence. I learned quickly to never do that again because I realized the harm I could have put everyone around me in. The high from the edible lasted on and off for three days for me. I listed the money we spent on marijuana under medical expenses not covered by our health insurance in our financial reports. We were leaving the kids to meet with the dealer late then I liked at night driving 45 minutes each way with rent payments being behind. During quarantine lock down we went only one time to get our substance, (it is actually still illegal in my state unless you have a medical card) . It bothered me deeply to leave the kids to do such a thing, and my teen knew what were were doing because we were attempting to have the spirit of full honesty in our home, and you can smell the stuff no matter how hard you try to hide it.
When my husband and I used it we were out of control, and for me as a diabetic, the usage of marijuana often comes with a side effect of what people laughably call the munchies. It isn’t funny when you don’t have enough food and are choosing a recreational smoke over providing for your family. We ate so much food and we were literally insatiable. While marijuana did not cause my hospital stay, the way my head felt because of my medical issues, my husband lack of self control on it, I believed I was a drug addict and alcoholic. He admits to having no self control on it, to manipulating the situation when we were using it to make me think those things, but he asked me yesterday to begin to use it with him again.
I am now to the point in my health recovery where my head is staying mostly clear and my stutter is almost gone. I still do not have all of the answers as to what happened, but I told him, “My goal is to create a life I do not need and escape from,” and whether you argue that God gave us marijuana to smoke backing it with the bible verse from Genesis 1:2, I have a right to say no. I do not want any mind altering occurring for me. In my suspected mental illness, my body was able to physically manifest symptoms of a stroke on it’s own. I have not even opened my bottle of wine from Easter to avoid any type of emotional or mind altercation. I want my head to be clear, and my mind to be sound. The last couple of months have been traumatizing.
My husband said smoking marijuana with me was a bonding experience, and he feels to guilty if he chooses to do it if I don’t do it too. This situation is complete peer pressure from a spouse trying to coax me into doing something I am no longer comfortable doing. I said no and I mean no. I cannot stop him from doing what he wants to do, but there are thousands of other ways for us to bond as a couple. He then attempted to gaslight me and tell me he was insulted because what he was doing was not peer pressure. He said it was an insult for me to accuse him of such, and isolated himself in our master bedroom. I attempted to call him out of the room, to remind him of the changed behavior he says he wants in our relationship. We had literally just read a bible study passage that talked about using things to get drunk. It isn’t a problem in and of itself to have a glass of wine, but if you are using it to be a drunkard or allowing it control over your behavior,it is a problem.
I googled the situation because I questioned rather or not I was being unreasonable. I found a great resource at loveisrespect.org. The article I read is titled, “What To Do When Your Partner Pressures You to Drink Alcohol, Smoke, Or Do Drugs.” I tried having the boundaries conversation, and it is clear my husband does not respect them, my next goal with be setting up a safety plan, which I should have kept in place, but each time he says he is leaving or wants real change I fall for it, pray for it, hope for it. That is where I have a different type of problem I will hopefully be able to address in my own behavioral therapy program.
Take some time for you, say not to unhealthy things, food, drugs, family. I also want to encourage you to if you feel isolated in a situation or relationship to reach out, to a friend, church, an online support group if you cannot get out. If you are caught in an unhealthy relationship within yourself or with someone else, there are many many resources and people willing to listen out in the great big world. I am not a professional therapist, or even a licensed counselor. I do not consider my word healthy advice, I see the mess that is my life. Reclamation is my hope, and putting my stories out there to help you know you are not alone is my hope. There are so many things other’s may not know about that happen in life but there is such a stigma on talking about mental health, feelings, emotions, trauma, I want to break through.
Hiding in Plain Sight,
Masquerade Jade 😉