Do any of you actually take time for yourself? Many times over you may have heard the phrase that implies you cannot pour from an empty cup. How do you refill your proverbial cup? Was there every really ever anything in it to begin with? Life’s current path of adventure has me scheming what to even fill mine with. I have taken to Twitter asking what others do for themselves. Is it a monthly treatment, or treat box, a long bubble bath, the reading of a desired book, a date with friends, s/o, church, a ladies study, or something I have never even thought about?
I have taken to frugality by force not by choice, thus I have very little balance or knowledge on the matters of what if anything should be spent on self care or love. I do absolutely nothing, or I go way too far and spend money that I feel guilty about spending later when the groceries don’t last the month. I often add up all the dimes and nickels I spend and realize, how bill money bled out from my budget by attempting to please myself or others.
If I do a reflection on self love, I do not love myself. I do not know why, but I don’t. I can’t find one single thing about me that I love. Not one. Let me guess, I should love the hands that held my babies, or the stomach they all grew in and stretched out. I should love my eyes that are a bland shade of blue, but can reflect any color of light thus appearing to change colors with my mood. My freckles are beauty marks right? I am not buying one single bit of that. I am listening to self help and life coaching items that are free on You tube. Some even have a biblical base, yet I cannot find a single version of me to love. I am awaiting a therapist appointment this evening, and one next Friday with yet another new therapist. You can attend all the appointments and take all the medications available to you, and not have a changing desired result.
How can I refill a cup when I don’t know what it should be filled with. Connect with myself, how? All the coping skill I have learned thus far in life’s current adventure is not impacting my life in a positive way. Music, worship, journals, medication, have not made the needed impact. Nothing is seemingly brings happiness or healing. I have three motivational quotes displayed via notebook paper taped to the dining room mirror. I have showered and appeared presentable almost every day. I started repainting my master bathroom. I have watched a movie that just I wanted to watch. None of it has brought me any improvement in mood, or quality of life. I am tired. I took my sleep aids properly last night hoping I would be able to get a good night’s sleep and that the irritability would be gone. I wanted to sleep until 10 a.m. so my body could play catch up in sleep mode, but it did not have the impact I am desperately longing for.
I am no one’s responsibility, just my own, and no matter how much you love someone else, they cannot always be there nor will they save you despite their role in your personal life, or words they have spoken. Spouses don’t always mean in sickness and health. Best friends can’t always handle your mess, not the living part of it, maybe the listening part, but not the living part of it. You can live out all the personal truth’s and examples you want, but that doesn’t mean you can change a single thing around you, even if you are renewing your heart and mind.
If I have a photo of the week, it is this one.
Hiding in Plain Sight 😶